I just got back from a weekend trip home to see my folks in Tuscaloosa. I was apprehensive at first. Don't get me wrong. I wanted to see my parents, but sometimes my mother and I disagree about fundamental topics. But I went with the intention of avoiding those topics and I can proudly say that it went very well. I was relaxed and just tried to let them enjoy my son. I really want him to know them. I was fortunate to have a close relationship with my grandparents, but my parents didn't wait until middle age to have me. So I try to remain aware of the impermanence of this life and not leave relationships in an unfinished state. My son is a very aware 5 year old and he has an amazing memory. I'm counting on it.
While I was there, I went by the ADPi house to see it one last time. I wanted Curran to see where I went to school and where I lived before they tear it down and rebuild. It was tougher than I thought. First, I parked my car illegally in the driveway in the same spot that Wilson used to park her old Scout. When I looked at that same black double front door with the brass Lion knocker, it all came back. The sound of that knocker reminded me of Rush- swinging open the doors to clap and sing. The inside of the house had different decor,but was the same in so many ways. The TV room where I spent so many hours, the sleeping porch with all of those bunk beds, the huge mirror where we would check our images as we went out the door to swaps or dates. All of it seemed so long ago and yet only yesterday.
Those days were several lifetimes ago. I feel that I have evolved and grown since then. I'm not proud of everything I've ever done but I am proud of the person I've become. I care deeply for my fellow man and all sentient beings. I am trying to instill compassion and a sense of gratitude in my son. And I do feel that all roads I have traveled have all led up to this moment: to be the best mother and to nurture the best person I can. I really do feel that he is a very special person, meant to do special things. And I am proud to be his mother.
On the way home, he and I turned on the 80's channel and I sang all of those old tunes to him. Duran Duran, Journey, Oingo Boingo. At one point, he looked at me and said "you're awesome mommy". I really do have fun with him.